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THE LORD, PAYDAY, LOVE AT 3.99 A MINUTE AND THE END OF THE WORLD.
By
Adam-Mills Kidd
JUNE 1999
"1969 - Free Love, 1999 - Love at 3.99 a minute" - MAD Magazine
On the trillionth day or so, God looked down at his creation and then commented on it.
"Groovy!"
This was a good day, it was also payday for the saints, and they lined up to get their payment, God was the one who handed out the checks.
"'Saint Peter, One thousand seventy two dollars and fifty three cents", that was the odd thing about God, he never liked to hand out cheques in rounded denominations, he has to make it one thousand and two rather than one thousand.
"Saint Micheal, One thousand and three dollars and eighty seven cents".
That payment happened all morning, up until the last saint, Peter whom had the hardest job . . . . Distributing the workers compensation cheques to the saints ditched by the roman catholic church.
"Hey Peter", God said "you wanna take this cheque to Christpher?".
"Sure man!" Peter said as he took the comp cheques for Christopher, Bartleby and Elvis.
"and Pete!" God said as Saint Peter was about to leave "pick me up a bag of milk at the Quick stop?"
"sure God" Saint Peter said as he put his hand in his pocket attempting to pull out the keys to his Harley.
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Saint Peter finished his deliveries, the only one that was home was Christopher, he was actually in his apartment playing crazy eights with Jesus and some guy across the street, Saint Peter sat down and drank some tea while enjoying a hand of cards but soon left so he could get some chocolate and the milk for God.
Saint Peter looked for a good candy bar and found one marked down to fifty nine cents because it was discontinued due to the fact that it was not so popular, he also found a big bag of milk for god and he picked up a TV guide and did the crossword while he waited in the line behind of a businessman, a robot and two old ladies who waited for their turn to pay before they emptied out their change purses and counted the pennies so they could buy Kitty food.
The clerk was a lady in her mid thirties who was obviousley tired of her work and she was quite anxious to finish her working day, she gave Saint Peter his change, five dollars and seventy cents, the seventy cents of which he put into the charity boxes that crowded the register and the five dollar bill was put in the bag with the bag of milk, the TV guide and the chocolate bar, and Saint Peter left the store.
Saint Peter did not notice the hole in the bag that the five dollar bill fell out of and landed on the street.
The bill sat on the ground for no more than thirty seconds when it was picked up by an old robot named Marvin. Marvin picked up the bill with his claw and scanned it with his microprocesor.
"Bitchin', Five bucks" Marvin said as he put the bill in the breast pocket of his suit and headed home to refresh his power cell.
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Marvin plugged into an outlet at home and picked up his telephone and verbalized what he was punching onto the keypad, "One Ninehundred S-E-X-Y-S-E-X" and waited for the recorded message "Welcome to One Ninehundred SEXY SEX, home of the best naughty chat ever! for love now please enter your credit card number!", Marvin scanned in his credit card number and waited "To talk to Candi, press one!, for Lesley, Press Two!, for Janet, Press Three, for JimboJanet the Transvestite Press 4", Marvin was interested in the latter option and punched the number four.
The Wait for JimboJanet was a long one, so long in fact that Marvin overcharged his power cell which exploded leaving Marvin as a hunk of metal in an expensive suit.
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Eventually JimboJanet picked up the phone, "Hello . . . . Hello . . . . . . .Hello? . . . . . . Loser" JimboJanet, who was really a ninty year old grandmother closed the connection and started an new conversation
"Hello"
"Hey there" the voice on the other line said.
"What's your name?"
"Geor - - - - Uhhhh Dave!"
"oooh, Dave is a sexy name"
"Thanks, so is JimboJanet"
"Thanks Dave, so what do you look like"
"Well - - Uh I am about Six fot One, Blond hair, Blue eyes and I got big arms"
"You sound sexy, what are you wearing?"
"Well I got a pair of boxers on and thats about it" another voice in the background cut in on 'Dave's' side "Mr. President. Are you busy? we have a problem at the pentagon"
JimboJanet responded "Who is that?"
"Nobody, Gotta go"
and JimboJanet was cut off.
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The President of the United States of America hung up the phone in the oval office and looked up at his Cheif of defense, Colonel Armand Forsythe and then zipped up his pants.
"What is it Colonel?" the president asked.
"Mr. President, NORAD has just reported five G-7 smart bombs with mass atomic power headed this way"
"where are they coming from?"
"NORAD reports that they are coming from Israel"
"Israel dosen't even have nuclear weapons"
"They don't anymore"
"Why didn't we spot these nukes months ago with our TRILLION DOLLAR SPY SATELITTE TECHNOLOGY?"
Colonel Forsythe seemed confused with the command and replied.
"Mr. President, you liquidated the spy satelitte funds when you endorsed the cocaine habits of the cast of 'Star Wars: Episode 1"
"Dammit I knew that bastard Lucas and his dust monkeys would bite me in the ass, what options do we have to save ourselves colonel?"
Forsythe gulped and the wiped the sweat off his brow
"Sir, there is no way out, in five minutes, the united states will be no more . . . . . . .Except for New Jersey if our predictions are correct".
The President stood up and hit his fist in anger, "Dammit Forsythe, at least if they were going to take all of America, they could take New Jersey . . . . . . . It's payback time, we will get those bastards".
The President lifted a box of cigars off his desk to reveal a large red button with a small keypad, it was the famous BUTTON!
"Try to blow us up, we will get even, nobody tries to beat the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!"
The President then punched in his personal code on the keypad and then pounded his left thumb on the red button, No sooner that he did that the red phone in his desk began to ring, He picked it up
"Mr. President, this is Leuitenant Briggs, are we getting your orders correct?"
Leuitenant Briggs seemed nervous.
"Damn right Briggs, Blow the hell out of Israel and take its religion with it!"
"Yes Sir!" Leuitenant Briggs said as his crew set the coordinates on the missle launchers to Israel.
Five minutes later The United States of America was gone taking Canada, Mexico and South America with it, a few minutes later all the weapon power in the united states hit the other continent and blew the hell out of them.
On the trillionth day or so of creation, God looked down on the Earth, Shrugged his shoulders and went back to the drawing board.